“I came here, baby, to tell you I love
you. I love you. I love you. I love you.”
He inhaled sharply, but said in an even voice. “And I can’t lose you
before the greatest fight I will ever wage.”
Redemption. Could I absolve him? I lay in
a hospital bed for two weeks. All of it at his hands. I’d been marred, though
the scar on my skin was not the worst damage. It was a reminder of the scar I’d
carried inside. Could he erase that scar? Could he heal a wound one could not
see?
There was silence, deafening silence. I
tried to keep it together. I used every ounce of energy I had to keep the fire
at a low flame, but it blazed through me. He would’ve shot my kid, and I
couldn’t let that happen. These kids, they’d become my lifeline. My light.
“Without those kids, I’m just as dark as
you.” I said emotionlessly, empty. These last few weeks of pretending during
the day, only to come home and sob until sleep graced me was maddening. “I’ve
got nothing left to give you, J. Nothing.”
I hung
my head, losing the fight with the tears that had been threatening to erupt
since J arrived. “I can’t be your light, when I have none.”
We lay on the floor, two damaged bodies
searching for the light. J pulled my head into his hands, bringing us face to
face. I could feel his breath against my lips. “You were a comet that bust into
my life out of no where” he whispered. “I begged for you. On my knees in the
dirt, I groveled to the sky to bring me light. And there you were, at Eight Oh
Eight, staring up at me, even though I knew you couldn’t see through the
window. I saw you, though. Elle, I saw you long before you saw me.”
“How could I love a killer?”
“How much pain was worth loving this man?
“Please, baby.
Please. I need you. I love you. I can’t go into this without knowing you’ll be
here when I return.”
“I’m not sure what
to say. I want to tell you I’ll wait. That I’ll be here, waiting like a good
girl for you. I want to because I love you. Fuck, I love you.” I turned,
finally ready to look him in the eye. “I don’t know where I’ll be. I can’t tell
you that. But I can tell you that I love the fuck out of you, and no matter how
much I try to stop,” I paused. Fuck this mother fucker. Fuck! God, why was he
doing this to me? Angry tears, sad tears, hopeless tears, tears filled with
longing fell from my eyes. J caught then with his thumb, but there were too
many. They ran over his fingers like a waterfall.
“Fuck, J. I don’t
want you to die.”
He pulled me to him,
and I inhaled his scent. I’d never be able to smell Acqua di mother fucking Gio
again and not think of him. Today it was mixed with the smell of exhaust, like
he’d been riding around all night. For what felt like the gazillionth time, I
crumbled into his arms. How did two times come to be a number exponentially
higher?
“I don’t want to
die, baby. I want to fall asleep next to you. I want to wake up next to you.
I’m fighting this war for you. To be with you.
Author Bio
Emily is a Midwestern Gal, but could be anywhere as you read this. She gypsy's the country, as well as south of the border. Adventure feeds her soul, and offers great writing material.
She loves kids and working with kids, but can only handle caring for four-legged furry friends. A crazy dog and laid back cat have trained her to be their partner in life.
Vices include Swedish Fish, ignoring chores in favor of reading, and caring too much for people in her life. She chose to write this bio in third person as she is an Aries, and found writing in first person ended up with her writing an excessively long life story.
Aries like to talk about themselves. It is something Emily is working on being more mindful of.